I have been trying techniques and applying principles in parenting that are new to me. I can't recall what exactly inspired these thoughts specificity. A combination of parenting books, my own knowledge of my children, observation from my childhood of what worked and what didn't. Most of all, I rely on prayer and the promptings of the spirit of God.
I am always reminding myself to keep my comments focused on the positive. A negative reaction should be done in the moment. Once the moment has passed, the last word should be a promise to not repeat the wrong and that should be the end of it. Don't remind you child that they have disappointed you or they will accept that to be what you expect of them. When Wesley grabs a toy from Wendy I will punish him, tell him that what he did was wrong and convince him to apologize and share. If he complies, I thank him, tell him he is a good boy and I forget about it. I don't say “Good. Now if you would just stop being so mean”. Or even one word like “Gosh” after he has complied to my command and apologized will confuse him and teach him to hold on to grudges rather than letting it go.. He shows me a positive and I’m still stuck on the negatives. But, if I follow his positive with more positive, he will feel rewarded for complying and it will teach him that his positive attitude will spread to the people around him.
Another thing that I'm going to work on, and is a stretch from what most parents do, is this. When ever my child misbehaves I am not going to respond with a command. Example, “Don't do that” or “Watch what you are doing”. Instead I am going to put the rule in the form of a question. “Did you make the right choice?” or “Did you watch what you were doing?” If Wendy is upsetting Wesley , he knows that the rule is to tell Mommy. When he forgets that and in a moment of frustration hits or pushes her, I usually run up saying “You don't hit your sister. You need to tell Mommy if she does something wrong.” what he observes is dominance and then goes and turns it onto his sister. never underestimate how much your kids learn from your example.
Now my goal (this just came to me while praying and pondering) is to first inform him of the rule and the consequence (whether the consequence is natural or enforced by me, or others if we are in another home). And then to respond simply with “Did you tell mommy first?” with a firm look on my face. Now he has a question to stop, think and answer. He of course is likely to be difficult and dance around the question or just ignore me. I will eliminate distractions and punish him if necessary (like if he screams at me or continues to ignore me) till I have got his attention and his response. By answering correctly he has told himself what he did wrong. When a child is given the chance to solve his own problems he is building principles into his character that will last forever. Such as integrity. Now, if he says “Yes. I did” I don't want to discourage his response with “No. You didn't. That will discourage him from wanting to answer again in another situation. The window of communication and trust must stay open. Instead I will stress, with firmness, the importance of speaking to my face and making sure I’m listening. I also give him other solutions, like how to make his sister happy by sharing or gently guiding her away.
Ever though Wendy is not yet two, she deserves the same kind of response with the same intensity. firstly because she understands just as well and will behave according to the standard I set for the home. If I expect her to understand (all babies really do whether they can communicate it or not) she will express her understanding sooner while learning what is expected of her. Secondly because Wesley will see that the rules we keep are home standards put in place for the happiness of the whole family just as God gives us standards to keep for the happiness of all his children.
There is also something I read about that could help build my children's confidence. It is called an “I” message. This is when you convert a blaming phrase like “You can't do it yourself” into a concern and a communication of your personal feelings like “I'm worried that you might get hurt without my help”. This helps children (and really anyone you talk to) understand that you feel for them and that you don't just doubt them. Doubt is one of the most destructive things to a child's character. Doubt leads to low self-esteem and lack of confidence in decision making. If a child does not learn the quality of his own good choices he will likely follow others and try to prove his independence with little experience to know right from wrong.
If discipline is carried out with patients and humility, then the right solution is more likely to be found. I have tried shouting at my kids and it makes me even more angry because I’m wearing myself out and getting no result. And all they learn is to shout. Threatening a spanking sometimes works but only if the child know from experience that you will do it and that it hurts. But there will be those days when you fell like you are giving them spanking after spanking and I wonder, am I just doing harm to our relationship rather than teaching anything. Usually this happens to me on days when we are staying in the house. They do get board and that leads to frustration. Nevertheless, the solution that works best for me is Time-Out. Wesley hates time out and some times the threat is enough When I first started trying it, the problem was getting him to say on the chair. Bribing of course just makes the time-out a rewarding experience. So, I found that it works if I make the time-out the main punishment and that if he chooses to get up then he chooses to have a spanking and then more time-out. He is now motivated and eventually trained to sit when he it told and by pointing out that it is his choice, he learns the value of his decisions and the consequence. A spanking should be quickly done and quickly forgotten. You want them to remember that it was unpleasant but forget that you were angry. This way there minds will focus the fault on there bad choice and not you. If you ever leave a child with any kind of lasting mark then shame on you. They will remember it and so will God.
There are two kinds of consequences. Natural and enforced. I believe that the natural consequence are the best way to learn so long as the result doesn't do more harm than good. Of course if you walk out onto a busy highway, you might not live to learn from the natural consequence. That is an extreme, but when Wesley was two years old he likes to climb on the jungle gym and I was at first worried about him falling from 3 feet high. Then I would notice older kids climbing 8 feet high and there parents running up and helping them down. So, I thought, I don't want Wesley growing bigger without knowing his own limits and without gaining better balance. So I let him climb and he fell from 3 feet and he cried and he learned. Those older children probably would have fallen from 8 feet and been seriously injured because they don't really understand the reason behind the rule but Wesley has grown knowing for himself how and why not to fall. The natural consequence has sealed the understanding of caution into his heart and mind. In the cases in which the natural consequence does not teach the lesson, faith must be taught. Not dominance, but faith in love and wisdom. Your child's trust in you will reflect the example you set. It is in the nature of children to do what you do and trust that it is right. When you have to hold a child back and say “I can not allow you to do that.” they need to understand why. A simple explanation of the natural consequence with love might be enough But sometimes force must be applied with the hope that they will understand someday.
The Lord has blessed me with two wonderful children. I am honored to have been trusted with them. I am constantly asking my Father in Heaven for the right principles and techniques to bring up my family the way that he would if they were in his direct hands. I hope do all this. It is not easy. If you are looking for guidance as a parent or for anything else, seek out the information, consider it in your family and most of all, ask your loving Father in Heaven. It's good to have some information to present him with before you ask. He can't encourage a good idea if it is not in your head to make notable. That is why we are counseled to search, ponder and pray. He knows.
